Changes

I have tried to keep my blog updates positive and encouraging, and today might end up that way, but for now, I just have to be real.  I am having a bit of a tough time adjusting to a lot of things lately.  I have never been one to mind or even scoff at change. Bring it on!!  However, on this weight loss journey, there are things that are changing every day, and while it's awesome, it's also very overwhelming.

It was so much easier (though heartbreaking) when it seemed I would never shed the extra weight that was keeping me imprisoned in my own body.  In my mind, I was still very active, but when I tried to DO anything, the chains of added weight clanged.  I remember the first time I tried to sprint with one of my kids a few years ago.  In my head, I shot across the yard.  My body was much slower.  Though I never really accepted it in my heart, I guess at some point, I accepted my size in my head. I refused to live humiliated or downhearted about my size.  I was as I was, and that was it.

But now...now I'm down 36 pounds, and I see pictures of myself from before my weight loss journey.  The difference is BAFFLING.  I see pictures of myself and think, "Wow, I look good!" as opposed to being reminded over and over how big I've gotten. Whereas before, I'd see pictures of myself and be shocked at how different I looked in person vs. pictures.  Now I see pictures and think "Do I really look like that now?"

I'm also thrown for a loop by the changes in my clothing.  For the last 15 years, I have been in plus-sized clothing, and at one point I was up to a size 22 pants and 2X shirt.  I'm down to a size 16 pants and Large shirt.  While you're cheering, let me just tell you that this is so bizarre to me.  I have an entire fashion industry that has just opened up to me, and I'll be honest when I tell you, I'm not sure how to handle it.  I've been limited to Fashion Bug (and the occasional Wal-Mart store) for the last 15 years because they were the most affordable store with clothes for big girls my age.  I quit shopping at most department stores because they didn't carry trendy plus-sized clothing, and I felt like people were snickering at me if I tried to "squeeze into" smaller sizes.  Now, I have gone to two separate stores and pulled stuff off the rack in the "regular" section that fits.  While it makes me smile, it broadens my "where do I fit in this world" complex. LOL

I have been hovering just above my next goal weight for about two weeks now.  (I mean HOVERING...as in 1-2 pounds away from my goal weight.)  I am about to drop below 200 pounds for the first time in I don't know how long.  Why am I waiting? I don't know. I think it has something to do with fear, but I haven't really put my finger on it yet.  I have wanted it for so long, and now it's right at my fingertips, and it seems I'm intentionally keeping myself from it.  I think it has something to do with that "Holy crap, is this really happening?" mentality that's been going on lately.  Wanting change, making it happen are one thing...then to actually stand back and SEE that you're doing it this time....I'm really doing it! I'm really going to beat this thing!

So yeah...I'm at a turning point, now, and I look forward to that moment when I level my eyes, jut out my jaw, and blow past the 190's.  It's coming very, very soon. :)