Falling Off the Wagon

I struggled with whether or not to write this blog update, but I figured it was important to be honest and open about where I'm at right now. This is how my journey goes...ups and downs, highs and lows... difficult and even harder. (Notice I didn't say "easy". LOL) And this is also something I think many folks will relate to as well. So, there ya have it.



Wow, it doesn't take much to get derailed on a weight loss journey, huh?  I have been racking my brain trying to remember the last time I went to the gym, and it's probably been two weeks at least, maybe longer. I haven't been drinking my water, haven't been watching my caloric intake or observing portion control...and  I have eaten like CRAP repeatedly, so I am really dreading hopping on the scale Wednesday.  There have been some changes in my life that required more of my attention than my weight loss journey, so it got put on the back burner again.  And that's the way it works for me, sometimes.  I have to slow down, regroup, tend to the hottest burning fire, and once it's satisfactorily contained, then I can resume my mission at hand. 
And, I have to admit my ego wrote a check my butt couldn't cash.  I am, for the most part, really happy with myself right now and have other issues that need more of my focus....BUUUUUUUT, I heard several people around me saying how they'd like to lose weight and were struggling, so I puffed up my chest and thought I'd lead the way.  I know how to do this, I can motivate them, and I can lose ten pounds to look smoking hot on the beach in Florida. And not only did I not lose ten pounds, I've gained 5-8 pounds (depends on how I hold my tongue that day as to what the scale says.)  That's what I get for trying to get fired up for someone else's mission.

Forty-eight days ago, I quit smoking.  And about forty-five days ago, every healthy habit I fought so hard to learn and apply flew right out the window.  I fought the good fight and didn't replace cigarettes with food per se, but I have noticed my binges are back.  This evening when I was making supper, I had eaten several bites of carrot cake right out of the pan. (See, it doesn't COUNT  if you don't put it on a plate and plan to eat it. Uh huh... right.)  I bought almonds as a snack to have at work... great choice, sure, as long as I don't eat three servings at a time! I could go on and on, but it'd be pointless. Bottom line: I'm off my game.

I think I am suffering from a ruptured give-a-damn.  My motivation isn't there, my discipline is virtually non-existent, and my desire for change hasn't exceeded my discomfort. Until that happens, there's no amount of tough talk I can do that will make myself do anything if my head and heart aren't one in the mission. (As frustrating as that is.) My inner-athlete is DYING to go for a run and get a good sweat-on.  Every day I tell her "game on", and every night I apologize to her that we didn't get it done.  In the meantime, though, I can see the weight gain around my abdomen and feel that fear welling up inside that I'll gain all this weight back, and I can't allow it to happen.  But with a ruptured give-a-damn...well you can see why there's a major internal battle going on right now. 

So my goals right now are to get back to my core basics:  drink two 32-ounce cups of water at work every day, detox off of sugar (again.), observe portions, and try to get moving here and there. Making small changes and slowly introducing this back into my schedule- easing myself back into it- "bringing healthy back."  LOL...  Love y'all!!

Heeding Mama's Warning

Mama raised me with the, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" mantra.  Being her highly-verbal and even more emotional daughter, this has proven to be a good tool for me in life.  Which is why my blog updates have been few and far between the last few weeks.  See, I quit smoking on May 10th, and I can tell you right now, for the last nearly four weeks, I haven't even liked being around myself, let alone exposing anyone else to my insanity.

This has been a struggle on a multitude of levels for me.  The last time I quit smoking, I simply replaced cigarettes with food, and as a result of that, I gained 30 pounds. I can't do that this time.  And let me tell you, I am HUNGRY.  I'm not just snackish..I'm famished- all the time.  I chew gum; I drink water, I run; I do deep-breathing exercises...and that empty knaw in the pit of my stomach is unsatisfied.  I try to reach out to folks and get my mind on other things, I pray, I even cried. LOL....  And when nothing else worked, I had a snack.

And I gained six pounds in one week. 

So feel free to share in my disappointment briefly, though ever-so-briefly, because I am not getting stuck on that ledge, I can tell you that.  I'm feeling better, now.  Tomorrow makes four weeks smoke-free, and almost two weeks nicotine-free. (I used the e-cigs for the first two weeks to break the habit, then I weened myself off the e-cigs.)  In breaking this addiction, I have relapsed into some old food/eating habits, and some of them before I even realized it. What my struggle is now, though, is fighting the urge to go back to what I know which is food...binging. Comfort, ol' reliable.  I've told you before that two of my emotional eating triggers are anger and loneliness; well I had cigarettes to help when I was lonesome, and now I don't have that anymore.  So, instead of replacing my "friends" with food, I'm having to make myself find other things to do.  Very frustrating.  In that moment, I want to smoke.  And I can't. So then I think "Well, then eat."  And I can't.  So then I'm angry ON TOP of lonely.  Rapid-fire triggers, one right after the other.  It's been a very rough four weeks. 

So, once again, I'm picking myself out of an unhealthy situation and making my own way through to a healthier lifestyle.  Right now, life is pretty tough to deal with, I can comfortably say.  But, it's getting better, and I know it won't last much longer, and I won't feel like this forever. 

As I told a friend a few days ago when he asked me about a completely different topic, "A little compassion and patience and a lot of faith and trust in God goes a long way."  I'm applying that to myself, now, as well.  I feel for what I'm going through. This is rough!  Instead of shoving myself along and whipping myself with "shoulds", I'm giving myself some grace. 

So I may not be the poster child for healthy eating right now...oh well, big deal.  I have full faith that I'll be OK.  Meanwhile, if you aren't doing as well as you hoped on your journey right now, keep looking at the goal.  You'll get there. :) I'm proud of you for not giving up!