Becoming Willing

Have you ever had a random person run through your mind and think, "I really need to call them", but didn't?  Or, have you ever thought "Grab your umbrella; it might rain" only to look up, see a sun-filled sky and leave it at home? How did that mid-afternoon rainstorm work out for ya?  Some people call that their gut, others intuition, I call it God. 

Last week after church, I made a quick stop at the grocery store to buy some things for our Sunday afternoon barbecue.  I was in a hurry, had fifteen different things on my mind, and I knew I needed to get in and get out.  I even let my kids sit in the car.  I had just grabbed the last thing on my mental list when a sweet southern drawl complimented me on my outfit.  I looked up, thanked her and made a joke about freezing to death at the sunrise service, which prompted me NOT to opt for the cute little Easter skirt I had planned to wear.  (I am still cold from that!)  We chatted for a minute as we both contemplated items on the shelves, and when the usual-but-cordial lull in the conversation came, I started to walk away.  But, I felt something stir in me. "Keep talking to her."  I thought to myself, "I don't have time for chit-chat; I've got a lunch to get to!" 

So, I asked her about her accent. She said she was from Georgia but has now lived here for two years. I explained that my family is from the south and how I'm a sucker for a Southern accent.  We exchanged some banter, and again, I tried to walk away, but I felt that nudge inside.  "Talk to her, Tami. Don't walk away."  Now, I really needed to get going, but I honored that feeling and asked her a few more questions, made a few jokes with her, and the third time I tried to walk away, I felt like I was being held in that spot. 

So, I asked her if she'd made any friends since she's lived here, and she said folks were friendly, but that she didn't have any friends, no.  So, I did something COMPLETELY out of the ordinary for me; I gave her my cell phone number and told her if she wanted to have a cup of coffee sometime to give me a call.  Her face lit up and she got a little teary-eyed. She gave me her number as well and said, "You know, you just might be an answer to prayer."

And that's when I knew that it was God holding me in that aisle.  That's when I knew why I was wearing the outfit I had picked out that morning (which was completely opposite of what I had in mind for Easter Sunday and would have been much more appropriate for a funeral in October.), and that's when I knew that I had also received an answer to prayer. 

I have been praying for God's will to be done in my life and for Him to use me. I have also been praying for Him to make me willing when the opportunity comes.  He needed to use me to answer her prayer, and for that, I am truly humbled and honored.  That I was able to set aside my own agenda long enough to receive the blessing that I had asked for, I am truly grateful.

I was so excited when I got home, I called her right away. I left her a voice mail and have not heard from her. And, I may not, but that's OK. Because, I think about her every day and hope that she finds comfort in knowing that there is someone in town she can now call her friend.  

Neon Sign

Sometimes when I am going through a hard time or spinning on the latest dramatic event in my life, I forget to appreciate the little things.  Or, even worse,  I think I did something, but since my mind is racing 90 miles an hour about everything unrelated, it never actually got done.  I have actually envisioned myself writing a check to the school for my daughter's lunch then got offended when her balance dropped into the negative, only to discover I never actually wrote the check.

Last Monday was my birthday, and a few days later, I actually remembered to check the mail. In the mail box, in her perfect script, was a card from my sister, Lisa.  In my haste to get dinner on the table and start my evening routine, I glanced over the card, smiled, and tossed it to the side while making a mental note to call her and thank her.  About 5 days later, I was cleaning and came across the card again. My inner voice said, "Read it again and keep this card."  I got nudged from all sides that there was something special about that card, but I was again going mach 10 with my hair on fire and dismissed that notion.  I moved that card several different times and finally decided I should just throw it away.  "Keep the card, Tami."  In my head, I thought I had put it on top of the microwave or on the refrigerator.  In reality, I threw it away.

Today, I received an email from her saying, "Did you like the card?"  I responded and said I did, (though I couldn't remember what it said) and that I tried to call her.  But, one quick flip through my phone determined I only thought I did.  Then she shared the meaning behind the card. 

My brother-in-law, Lisle, lost his sister, Laurie a while back, and he had actually bought that card to give to his sister for her birthday.  He never got to give it to her, because she died before her birthday rolled around.  Lisa said that he has been having a hard time letting go of anything pertaining to his sister, but this year, before my birthday, he came out of the room with the card in his hand and said, "I want to send this card to Tami. It's a beautiful card, and a sister we love needs to have it."

When I read that email, I was so touched and so disappointed in myself for not heeding those nudges to keep and treasure that card.  I knew in my heart there was something special about it, but I disregarded those feelings and focused instead on all of the chaos going on in my own head.  I was certain I had thrown the card away, and today was trash day. And I never even thoroughly read it.

As I drove down my street, I stared at the empty garbage can in my driveway, and my heart sank. I raced upstairs to find a freshly-emptied trash can in the kitchen.  I went downstairs and walked by another example of what I thought I had done this morning but had merely done it in my head... there was a bag of trash sitting by the laundry room.  It was the "catch all" bag I'd been using to empty little cans everywhere around the house and purge other stuff that had passed the point of use-fullness to me.  I took a chance, and at the bottom of the bag was Lisle's card to me. (And Laurie)

I cannot express the relief and gratitude I had when I held that card in my hand.  And, I was moved to tears when I read it. I was honored and humbled. 
 
I am so grateful for the following lessons.  Lesson #1- God nudges me and tries to get me to see and appreciate the little things.  Lesson #2- Being locked up in my own mind continues to rob me of good things happening all around me.  Lesson #3-  Thinking about doing things and actually doing them are two very different things.  Lesson #4- Sometimes the smallest of gestures have the greatest depth and should never be taken for granted.  Lesson #5- SLOW DOWN and be grateful; next time, I might actually lose something to be treasured.  

Finding the Courage

As my tag line says at the top of this blog, these updates are my shared experiences with my weight loss journey and self-improvement/discovery.  I am half a pound away from my goal weight, and I hate to break this to you, but I'm not anywhere NEAR done blogging.  So, you might start seeing some shifts away from weight loss in my updates, but I hope you will still enjoy what I have to say.  
 
I made up my mind a few years ago I was going to learn to play the guitar. I've always loved the way an acoustic sounds, and with my passion for music and singing, it was time for me to try it out.  The first time I picked up my guitar, it hurt my fingers so much, I put it down and didn't approach it for a year. "I can't do this."  Then, a year later, I picked it up again. And guess what...it still hurt.  But I loved the sound she created, and I kept at it. Since we were spending so much time together, I felt she needed a name- something worthy of her.   She has such a beautiful, smooth sound, and so I named her Pearl. That was two years ago.

My main goal at the time was to be able to play my guitar in church as I sang with the praise and worship team.  But my playing ability is sporadic at best, so I felt it would be years before I would ever feel comfortable playing in front of anyone.  As "luck" would have it, two years later, at an entirely different church (with a MUCH larger congregation, mind you...), my boyfriend signed us up to do special music. And we were going to play our guitars and sing.  The minute he told me that, my heart started racing and doubt crept into my mind.  "I can't do this; I'm not ready; what if I mess up? What if I look stupid? What if I mess HIM up?"  On and on and on.  I've been wigging out over this for a week. Practicing, singing, learning the words, learning the chords, and of course, he had to pick the fastest hymn ever written, so, often as I was practicing, I'd lose my darn PICK or my fingernail would get hung on a string. And it was right back in my face..."I'm not ready, I can't do this."  I considered bailing on the whole playing thing and just singing as he played.  But, enter in that stubborn Carter gene, and I dug in my heels.  I wouldn't let my fear get the best of me.  So I prayed and prayed for God to give me the courage to follow through. I told Jesus this morning I wanted to sing and play a beautiful song for Him and for my grandmother in Heaven.  Now, I just needed the courage. 

As I approached the microphone this morning with my guitar strapped across me and my pick in my hand, I felt like I was literally going to shake apart one limb at a time.  My hands were trembling so violently, I put two extra picks on the music stand in front of me in case I dropped one.  I looked at Joey, and before I knew it, we were off and running.  My hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't form the chords properly, but thankfully, his guitar was in front of the mic, so I was pseudo-masked...until his guitar pick broke and I was the only one playing for a few seconds.  There was no hiding the "plink plink plink", but instead of getting freaked out, I just smiled.  Because I was doing it! I was playing my guitar in church as we sang!  I was ticking something off my bucket list!  At the end of the song, I had completely lost my place with what chords I was supposed to be playing and just threw my hands up and laughed as the song ended. 

So many people came up to us today and raved about how well we did and how eager they are to hear us sing and play again.  And here's the miraculous part of it.  I can't wait to do it again!  Regardless that it took nearly ten minutes for my hands to quit shaking AFTER we played, I am still looking forward to doing it again.  It would be so easy for me to sit here and tell you all the places I messed up, but instead, I find myself beaming with pride that I actually did it.  And this is a major milestone for me.  Being able to look at something I've done with pride without ripping it apart and finding all the ways I wasn't perfect in my performance...that is huge growth for me. 

As I said earlier, I thought it would be years before I felt comfortable playing in front of anyone.  And, that may be TRUE!  I may not be comfortable doing it for a long time, but I intend to do it anyway.   I have found that when I push myself outside of my comfort zone, amazing things happen.  And today was just another example of that.