You've heard me talk about roads, oysters, the mat, my bridge, the x factor, and the foxhole, so it should come as no surprise that I have yet another use of imagery to describe my life and where I'm at right now. Tonight, it's the boat.
In the last three years, I have been through quite a bit that has left me feeling off-center and unsure of who I am and what I want/need out of life. The sea of life has been very tumultuous and unforgiving in the ferocity of the waves as the crash down on me relentlessly. I have experienced the occasional calming of the storm only to see in the distance another swell heading my way, and I have given myself no time to repair my vessel or even prepare before the next hurricane spins me around.
In the midst of my last hurricane, I found myself focusing so much on the storm that I failed to look at how it was effecting me and my boat. I had left it unmanned, basically, and was being tossed around aimlessly while waiting for the storm to either subside or swallow me whole. I became frightened of dark clouds, wondering what the next clap of thunder was going to bring. A tiny ripple in the water left me quaking with uncertainty.
Then, a little over two years ago, I saw my sunbeam. And I headed that direction. Even though I still felt the instability beneath my feet, I made my way to the helm. The storms were still fierce, but I had that vision of light to guide me. I learned how to weather the storm with trust and faith that I was going to be OK. I learned how to be courageous when I was scared, and I found the gear I needed to protect myself.
And now, I need to examine my boat. I need to see if the damages are superficial or if there are some major repairs in order. So, I've got my toolbox and my owner's manual, and even though I don't know the first thing about boat repair, I know that I have the confidence in myself, the determination, and desire to stay afloat. And, I can still see my sunbeam.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Oyster
I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine a few days ago regarding my blog, my journey, and this person's battle with her weight. I remember feeling exactly as she does, now, and my heart went out to her. When I started this journey, I set a goal to lose 61 pounds, and my head started spinning with how impossible that number sounded. Sixty-one pounds?? That's more than my 6 year-old weighs! A whole other human! I remember thinking, then, that I'll never be able to do it. I'll never lose that much weight, but I would give it my best and consider it a job well done if I lose 20 pounds and call it a day. Yeah, it was like that.
I almost psyched myself out of the game when I looked at the path before me. My opponents were huge- fear, change, hard work, "deprivation", time constraints, and the biggest of all, that number. 61, 61, 61...and actually, according to the medical profession, the number SHOULD have been 100 pounds. I needed to lose 100 pounds to fit into the normal weight category for my height. I cried. Multiple times, actually. I am grateful that I was able to recognize that just because that was were I was, then, didn't mean I had to be or feel like that for the rest of my life. I gained weight; so what, big deal. The big question was, what was I going to do about it?
I needed to give myself a smaller goal- something that was attainable. So, I broke it down into 10 pound increments. When people got wind of my weight loss journey, they'd ask me, "How much are you trying to lose?" I'd say, "Ten pounds." The stunned look on their faces was actually quite comical, because it was obvious by looking at me that I needed to lose more than that, but that's all I could manage at the time. That's all I could face. I couldn't look down that long path and see the finish line. But, I could see the 10 pound corner. So that's where I headed. After I lost the first ten pounds, I set my goal to lose another 10, then another 10...then my goal was to bust out of the 200's and into the 190's. Then into the 180's...and so on.
I apologize profusely if I've made my journey look or sound easy. What people may not realize is that it has taken me 2 years to do it. What I FAILED to realize is that I have been on this journey for 2 years. I dropped about 30 pounds in six months, took a six month break from the gym, gained eleven pounds over the holidays that year, started up again in January 2010, lost another 26 pounds, took another six month hiatus, gained a few pounds, and now I'm staring down the last four pounds before I reach my initial goal weight.
I really didn't expect to have the outpouring of folks who contacted me to share their struggles with me and express how much my telling my story has helped them. I am truly humbled and honored. So when I started my journey again in 2010, I created this blog to try to answer everyone's questions about how I'm doing it. What started out as a shedding of a few pounds, though, quickly turned into a mission of self-discovery/recovery. What made me overeat? What was going on beneath the surface that was manifesting itself in weight gain and/or preventing me from losing weight?
I liken myself to an oyster. When a grain of sand makes its way into my shell, it has been my habit to spit it as far as I can (as quickly as I can) to prevent irritation in the here and now. That's just how I'm programmed. What I found myself doing more often than not is bailing on whatever is making me uncomfortable and going back to what I know because, even if it wasn't serving me well, it was less frightening than pushing through the discomfort in hopes of finding my rainbow. But, I realized that in the past, I have robbed myself of opportunities to learn or grow when I do that.
So I began to look at what makes me feel uncomfortable as a grain of sand in my shell. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, standing at the starting line of what appears to be an impossible road-- instead of spewing these things from my shell, I allow myself to sit on them and work through the discomfort one day at a time. This gives me time to find clarity, pray, and confront what triggers are propelling me into a reactive state (giving up) instead of proactive (pushing through).
What would happen if you were able to stop beating yourself up for a series of decisions that brought you to where you are now and accepted that THIS is the starting line? Because each day is just that, my friends. Looking back over days gone by and saying, "shoulda, coulda, woulda, or how-did-I" won't move you toward your goal. Yes, it's important to recognize where you went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes again, but ruminating on those past failures and holding that as an absolute will only hold you hostage. You have the power every morning when you wake up to begin again. To me, that's why God made sunrises so beautiful; each morning begins with opportunity.
As for me and the grain of sand? We're still cohabitants. And, I have the trust and faith that when all is said and done, there will be a beautiful pearl to admire and remind me that good things can happen when I allow them to.
I almost psyched myself out of the game when I looked at the path before me. My opponents were huge- fear, change, hard work, "deprivation", time constraints, and the biggest of all, that number. 61, 61, 61...and actually, according to the medical profession, the number SHOULD have been 100 pounds. I needed to lose 100 pounds to fit into the normal weight category for my height. I cried. Multiple times, actually. I am grateful that I was able to recognize that just because that was were I was, then, didn't mean I had to be or feel like that for the rest of my life. I gained weight; so what, big deal. The big question was, what was I going to do about it?
I needed to give myself a smaller goal- something that was attainable. So, I broke it down into 10 pound increments. When people got wind of my weight loss journey, they'd ask me, "How much are you trying to lose?" I'd say, "Ten pounds." The stunned look on their faces was actually quite comical, because it was obvious by looking at me that I needed to lose more than that, but that's all I could manage at the time. That's all I could face. I couldn't look down that long path and see the finish line. But, I could see the 10 pound corner. So that's where I headed. After I lost the first ten pounds, I set my goal to lose another 10, then another 10...then my goal was to bust out of the 200's and into the 190's. Then into the 180's...and so on.
I apologize profusely if I've made my journey look or sound easy. What people may not realize is that it has taken me 2 years to do it. What I FAILED to realize is that I have been on this journey for 2 years. I dropped about 30 pounds in six months, took a six month break from the gym, gained eleven pounds over the holidays that year, started up again in January 2010, lost another 26 pounds, took another six month hiatus, gained a few pounds, and now I'm staring down the last four pounds before I reach my initial goal weight.
I really didn't expect to have the outpouring of folks who contacted me to share their struggles with me and express how much my telling my story has helped them. I am truly humbled and honored. So when I started my journey again in 2010, I created this blog to try to answer everyone's questions about how I'm doing it. What started out as a shedding of a few pounds, though, quickly turned into a mission of self-discovery/recovery. What made me overeat? What was going on beneath the surface that was manifesting itself in weight gain and/or preventing me from losing weight?
I liken myself to an oyster. When a grain of sand makes its way into my shell, it has been my habit to spit it as far as I can (as quickly as I can) to prevent irritation in the here and now. That's just how I'm programmed. What I found myself doing more often than not is bailing on whatever is making me uncomfortable and going back to what I know because, even if it wasn't serving me well, it was less frightening than pushing through the discomfort in hopes of finding my rainbow. But, I realized that in the past, I have robbed myself of opportunities to learn or grow when I do that.
So I began to look at what makes me feel uncomfortable as a grain of sand in my shell. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, standing at the starting line of what appears to be an impossible road-- instead of spewing these things from my shell, I allow myself to sit on them and work through the discomfort one day at a time. This gives me time to find clarity, pray, and confront what triggers are propelling me into a reactive state (giving up) instead of proactive (pushing through).
What would happen if you were able to stop beating yourself up for a series of decisions that brought you to where you are now and accepted that THIS is the starting line? Because each day is just that, my friends. Looking back over days gone by and saying, "shoulda, coulda, woulda, or how-did-I" won't move you toward your goal. Yes, it's important to recognize where you went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes again, but ruminating on those past failures and holding that as an absolute will only hold you hostage. You have the power every morning when you wake up to begin again. To me, that's why God made sunrises so beautiful; each morning begins with opportunity.
As for me and the grain of sand? We're still cohabitants. And, I have the trust and faith that when all is said and done, there will be a beautiful pearl to admire and remind me that good things can happen when I allow them to.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Random Thoughts
I am not, by nature, a patient person. I am the instant-gratification QUEEN; I want what I want when I want it. So, when I started this journey, I had to prepare myself for a whole mindset, which meant recognizing that I didn't gain 100 pounds over night (though it SURE felt like it!!), and I wasn't going to lose 61 over night. It meant setting goals and a schedule, which I hate to do, since I am spontaneous and fly by the seat of my current mood swing. (I could be the poster child for Aries.)
The last thing I needed, though I didn't know it at the time, was accountability with a workout partner. I needed that person to count on, to hold my feet to the fire, and go through this with me. I needed someone with whom I could be totally honest and feel open to share how I was feeling all the while knowing she could relate to my struggles and victories. So at this point in the blog, I'd like to give a huge shout out to my girl, Casey, because she has sweated beside me and cut calories with me every step of the way. I love you, honey, and I am forever grateful, because I don't know if I could have this type of success on my own.
And, we're still at it! We're going to the gym four nights a week for 60-90 minutes a night (depending on the night.) We sit down with our planners and schedule out ten days at a time when we're going to the gym. It's tough! We both have families, obligations, dinner times, work schedules, functions, a whole gambit of time constraints to consider, and I'm really proud of us for making this a priority when it would be so easy to give up. Tonight, I burned about 480 calories by running on the treadmill, doing 15 minutes of free-weight cardio, and 4.5 miles on the bike. I weigh in tomorrow and hope that I will drop out of the 180's and into the 170's for the first time in about 13 years.
If there's one thing I have learned in this journey, it's that slow and steady really does win the race. I wanted to lose weight in a healthy way without fad diets, pills, surgery, hypnosis...insert latest craze here. I wanted to prove to myself I could count on me, that I was important to myself. I'm staring down the last 5 pounds before I reach my goal weight. I had gained 1.5 pounds during my workout hiatus, and it took me two weeks just to get those 1.5 pounds off. In the days of "The Biggest Loser", that sounds minimal, I know. And, I admit that it's tougher to do, now. I'm pretty happy with myself the way I am for the first time in I don't know HOW long. But I'm only FIVE POUNDS away from my goal weight! I can't stop, now. I can't bear to rob myself of the joy of crossing the finish line and FINALLY finishing something I started.
For those of you reading this and struggling with staying motivated in weight loss, I know this struggle well. I have spent most of my adult life being uncomfortable in my body and unable to get my mind to cooperate. You can do this. Find that reason to commit to yourself and promise to yourself that this time is THE time. Whatever your reasons are for wanting do lose weight, embrace that. I can promise you two things: it will be tough, and it will be worth it.
The last thing I needed, though I didn't know it at the time, was accountability with a workout partner. I needed that person to count on, to hold my feet to the fire, and go through this with me. I needed someone with whom I could be totally honest and feel open to share how I was feeling all the while knowing she could relate to my struggles and victories. So at this point in the blog, I'd like to give a huge shout out to my girl, Casey, because she has sweated beside me and cut calories with me every step of the way. I love you, honey, and I am forever grateful, because I don't know if I could have this type of success on my own.
And, we're still at it! We're going to the gym four nights a week for 60-90 minutes a night (depending on the night.) We sit down with our planners and schedule out ten days at a time when we're going to the gym. It's tough! We both have families, obligations, dinner times, work schedules, functions, a whole gambit of time constraints to consider, and I'm really proud of us for making this a priority when it would be so easy to give up. Tonight, I burned about 480 calories by running on the treadmill, doing 15 minutes of free-weight cardio, and 4.5 miles on the bike. I weigh in tomorrow and hope that I will drop out of the 180's and into the 170's for the first time in about 13 years.
If there's one thing I have learned in this journey, it's that slow and steady really does win the race. I wanted to lose weight in a healthy way without fad diets, pills, surgery, hypnosis...insert latest craze here. I wanted to prove to myself I could count on me, that I was important to myself. I'm staring down the last 5 pounds before I reach my goal weight. I had gained 1.5 pounds during my workout hiatus, and it took me two weeks just to get those 1.5 pounds off. In the days of "The Biggest Loser", that sounds minimal, I know. And, I admit that it's tougher to do, now. I'm pretty happy with myself the way I am for the first time in I don't know HOW long. But I'm only FIVE POUNDS away from my goal weight! I can't stop, now. I can't bear to rob myself of the joy of crossing the finish line and FINALLY finishing something I started.
For those of you reading this and struggling with staying motivated in weight loss, I know this struggle well. I have spent most of my adult life being uncomfortable in my body and unable to get my mind to cooperate. You can do this. Find that reason to commit to yourself and promise to yourself that this time is THE time. Whatever your reasons are for wanting do lose weight, embrace that. I can promise you two things: it will be tough, and it will be worth it.
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