181.5 and counting

Last Wednesday, I weighed 181.5; that's an 8.5 pound weight loss this month. The smaller I get, the harder it will be for me to have "big" results.  I haven't been to the gym, but I have been working out in the  yard a lot which is great exercise, and if you don't believe me, come do my laundry some weekend.  This week it was push-mowing, trimming trees, hedges, clearing out brush and weeds (with hand clippers, mind you; I'm too scared to use a weed eater.)  and playing ball with my dog.

I'm doing OK with my eating, trying to make healthier choices and trying to avoid sweets.  This weekend has been tougher on me, though, because I HAD TO HAVE ice cream Friday night or my head was going to spin around and the earth would have tilted on its axis. Not pretty. But, I went to the driving range and worked up a sweat afterward, so I didn't feel guilty about it.

One thing I noticed this weekend is I'm having a hard time disciplining myself to drink water.  Why, I don't know, but it has been a struggle to get myself to drink water.  When I have been thirsty, I grabbed a Diet Coke. I know that soda is not going to hydrate me, but it tasted good, so that was the avenue I took.

Sometimes I feel like there's a brick wall standing between me and my goals.  I can see the other side, and boy, does it look good.  But, every time I take a step forward, I slam right into that brick wall.  Instead of looking at the wall, I look at the other side.  I have yet to figure out what my wall is made of- fear, change, denial, lack of discipline, ambivalence- I'm sure all have their appropriate place in the mortar, but I haven't quite found my sledge hammer to pound my way through.  I'm comfortable in my size 14 pants and size Large shirts, and that may be more of an issue than I realize.  I'm comfortable.  I feel good.  I don't feel fat anymore; I don't feel unhealthy, and though I'm not satisfied with my belly fat, I'm not disgusted by myself, either.  I was happy at 175, so that's what my target is right now.  I would really like to identify this wall, though.  I guess the contents will be revealed in its own time.