Heeding Mama's Warning

Mama raised me with the, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" mantra.  Being her highly-verbal and even more emotional daughter, this has proven to be a good tool for me in life.  Which is why my blog updates have been few and far between the last few weeks.  See, I quit smoking on May 10th, and I can tell you right now, for the last nearly four weeks, I haven't even liked being around myself, let alone exposing anyone else to my insanity.

This has been a struggle on a multitude of levels for me.  The last time I quit smoking, I simply replaced cigarettes with food, and as a result of that, I gained 30 pounds. I can't do that this time.  And let me tell you, I am HUNGRY.  I'm not just snackish..I'm famished- all the time.  I chew gum; I drink water, I run; I do deep-breathing exercises...and that empty knaw in the pit of my stomach is unsatisfied.  I try to reach out to folks and get my mind on other things, I pray, I even cried. LOL....  And when nothing else worked, I had a snack.

And I gained six pounds in one week. 

So feel free to share in my disappointment briefly, though ever-so-briefly, because I am not getting stuck on that ledge, I can tell you that.  I'm feeling better, now.  Tomorrow makes four weeks smoke-free, and almost two weeks nicotine-free. (I used the e-cigs for the first two weeks to break the habit, then I weened myself off the e-cigs.)  In breaking this addiction, I have relapsed into some old food/eating habits, and some of them before I even realized it. What my struggle is now, though, is fighting the urge to go back to what I know which is food...binging. Comfort, ol' reliable.  I've told you before that two of my emotional eating triggers are anger and loneliness; well I had cigarettes to help when I was lonesome, and now I don't have that anymore.  So, instead of replacing my "friends" with food, I'm having to make myself find other things to do.  Very frustrating.  In that moment, I want to smoke.  And I can't. So then I think "Well, then eat."  And I can't.  So then I'm angry ON TOP of lonely.  Rapid-fire triggers, one right after the other.  It's been a very rough four weeks. 

So, once again, I'm picking myself out of an unhealthy situation and making my own way through to a healthier lifestyle.  Right now, life is pretty tough to deal with, I can comfortably say.  But, it's getting better, and I know it won't last much longer, and I won't feel like this forever. 

As I told a friend a few days ago when he asked me about a completely different topic, "A little compassion and patience and a lot of faith and trust in God goes a long way."  I'm applying that to myself, now, as well.  I feel for what I'm going through. This is rough!  Instead of shoving myself along and whipping myself with "shoulds", I'm giving myself some grace. 

So I may not be the poster child for healthy eating right now...oh well, big deal.  I have full faith that I'll be OK.  Meanwhile, if you aren't doing as well as you hoped on your journey right now, keep looking at the goal.  You'll get there. :) I'm proud of you for not giving up!