Finding the Courage

As my tag line says at the top of this blog, these updates are my shared experiences with my weight loss journey and self-improvement/discovery.  I am half a pound away from my goal weight, and I hate to break this to you, but I'm not anywhere NEAR done blogging.  So, you might start seeing some shifts away from weight loss in my updates, but I hope you will still enjoy what I have to say.  
 
I made up my mind a few years ago I was going to learn to play the guitar. I've always loved the way an acoustic sounds, and with my passion for music and singing, it was time for me to try it out.  The first time I picked up my guitar, it hurt my fingers so much, I put it down and didn't approach it for a year. "I can't do this."  Then, a year later, I picked it up again. And guess what...it still hurt.  But I loved the sound she created, and I kept at it. Since we were spending so much time together, I felt she needed a name- something worthy of her.   She has such a beautiful, smooth sound, and so I named her Pearl. That was two years ago.

My main goal at the time was to be able to play my guitar in church as I sang with the praise and worship team.  But my playing ability is sporadic at best, so I felt it would be years before I would ever feel comfortable playing in front of anyone.  As "luck" would have it, two years later, at an entirely different church (with a MUCH larger congregation, mind you...), my boyfriend signed us up to do special music. And we were going to play our guitars and sing.  The minute he told me that, my heart started racing and doubt crept into my mind.  "I can't do this; I'm not ready; what if I mess up? What if I look stupid? What if I mess HIM up?"  On and on and on.  I've been wigging out over this for a week. Practicing, singing, learning the words, learning the chords, and of course, he had to pick the fastest hymn ever written, so, often as I was practicing, I'd lose my darn PICK or my fingernail would get hung on a string. And it was right back in my face..."I'm not ready, I can't do this."  I considered bailing on the whole playing thing and just singing as he played.  But, enter in that stubborn Carter gene, and I dug in my heels.  I wouldn't let my fear get the best of me.  So I prayed and prayed for God to give me the courage to follow through. I told Jesus this morning I wanted to sing and play a beautiful song for Him and for my grandmother in Heaven.  Now, I just needed the courage. 

As I approached the microphone this morning with my guitar strapped across me and my pick in my hand, I felt like I was literally going to shake apart one limb at a time.  My hands were trembling so violently, I put two extra picks on the music stand in front of me in case I dropped one.  I looked at Joey, and before I knew it, we were off and running.  My hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't form the chords properly, but thankfully, his guitar was in front of the mic, so I was pseudo-masked...until his guitar pick broke and I was the only one playing for a few seconds.  There was no hiding the "plink plink plink", but instead of getting freaked out, I just smiled.  Because I was doing it! I was playing my guitar in church as we sang!  I was ticking something off my bucket list!  At the end of the song, I had completely lost my place with what chords I was supposed to be playing and just threw my hands up and laughed as the song ended. 

So many people came up to us today and raved about how well we did and how eager they are to hear us sing and play again.  And here's the miraculous part of it.  I can't wait to do it again!  Regardless that it took nearly ten minutes for my hands to quit shaking AFTER we played, I am still looking forward to doing it again.  It would be so easy for me to sit here and tell you all the places I messed up, but instead, I find myself beaming with pride that I actually did it.  And this is a major milestone for me.  Being able to look at something I've done with pride without ripping it apart and finding all the ways I wasn't perfect in my performance...that is huge growth for me. 

As I said earlier, I thought it would be years before I felt comfortable playing in front of anyone.  And, that may be TRUE!  I may not be comfortable doing it for a long time, but I intend to do it anyway.   I have found that when I push myself outside of my comfort zone, amazing things happen.  And today was just another example of that.