Where I am

In the 13 weeks since I quit smoking, I have managed to gain 14 pounds and weighed in at 190 pounds yesterday morning.  I felt my heart simulaneously pound and break.  I heard my inner athlete whisper through choked-back tears, "That's only 10 pounds from 200. What are you doing to me?"  I'm scared, irritated with myself, and energized.  I know how to do this. I've done this before, and I can do this again.

Yesterday, I had a little less than 1400 calories in and burned approximately 1100.  I mowed for 80 minutes then went to the gym and pumped out 5.5 miles in 20 minutes.  Seeing the pool of sweat drops under that bike made me smile and reminded me how much I love and missed this.

Today, I'm so tempted to weigh, and I know better than to follow through with that.  I will only get discouraged when it doesn't budge.  Rome wasn't build in a day, and 5 pounds doesn't melt over night.  I am on day three of no sweets, increasing my water intake, taking my mult-vitamin, and increasing my activity level. So here we go!

My sister said something to me during the warrior dash that has been echoing in my mind ever since.  She said I've always had that internal drive- the stamina to endure physical exersion.  And when she said that, she had no idea that I was fighting a HUGE mental battle at that moment.  About a mile into the race, I started getting chills, nausea, a headache, dizziness, and I recognized these symptoms immediately.  I was on the verge of a heat-related illness which scared me.  One side of me was nudging me to tap out, quit...fail. The other side was calming me, talking me through it... "You know what to do. Slow down, back off, cool down, drink water.  You're fine; you've got this." 

I began to think of all the things that I have done in my life that were harder, more miserable, and I survived them- hell I even dominated. I went through basic training in the summer of 1996 in South Carolina.  And it was HOT.  I was fully-dressed wearing combat boots, carrying a 35 pound ruck sack and an 8 pound M-16.  I drank water from lister bags with 3 inch cockroaches and rotting leaves floating in the top.  I have lost 60 pounds, kicked a food addiction, had my heart broken (repeatedly), quit smoking cigarettes, and learned to build my own life for the first time at 32 years old.  It's amazing what you can make yourself do when you don't give yourself a choice.