Finding "The Mental Zone"

I remember when I was 21- I had just gone up another size and was between a 16 and 18.  I was shopping at Maurice's looking for a black skirt for a waitressing job I was starting the next day.  I tried on a skirt and it fit, but it was way too short to be bending over tables in.  When I came out of the dressing room, the young lady working the store asked me, "Did it fit?"  I sighed and said, "No..." but before I could finish she wrinkled up her nose sympathetically and said, "Was it too small?"  I was stunned!  I said, "No, it was too short.  Are there any other black skirts in the store?"  She said, "Ma'am, I don't think you will find anything in here that you can wear.  You might try Lane Bryant."  I smiled and said thank you, and I raced out of the store before I burst into tears of humiliation. 

I have to say, at one point in my life, I viewed weight loss as conformity.  I got angry because If there was a revolution-of-the-big'uns to be had, you can bet your bottom dollar I would be Madame 2X.  I didn't want to lose weight because everyone else thought I needed to. (And, when I say "everyone", I mean health care providers, people who didn't know me and might think "wow, chick...put the snack cake down and walk away slowly."  Whether anyone thought that or not, I don't know...but that's the mindset I was in at the time.)  I didn't want to lose weight because that meant in some weird way I was dissatisfied with myself and at that point in my life, I was trying to CONVINCE myself how happy I was when I really wasn't happy at all.  It went much deeper than love handles and saddle bags.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't happy with my life and started looking at all of the "whys", I realized that my binge eating and lack of self-care was directly related to my emotional state and failure to deal with issues I was suppressing. The weight gain wasn't the problem, it was a physical manifestation of many other issues going on beneath the surface.  So, when I started dealing with those issues and coming to grips with things I COULD change, I started making slow progress and rebuilt a little self-esteem and pride.  Once I had a little confidence in myself, I felt I could tackle this weight thing with new eyes and a new attitude.  And, I could see myself with compassion and love instead of a fat, lazy, and out-of-shape.  Think of it like this:  Have you ever been the the ER?  Let's say you were working on a project and somehow, you cut a deep gash in your thigh.  (Now, for those of you who know me and my fear of being cut, you'll know that my heart is POUNDING right now and I might have to go lie down for a minute..LOL) Anyway, back to the ER... what they do is ask you ONCE..."what happened?"  You explain the mishap, they patch you up and give you instructions on how to care for the wound. They do not call you for years on end and remind you of a mistake you made, don't brow beat you and call you an idiot or numb-skull because an accident happened. And, if you're smart, you'll remember how it happened and take precautions to prevent another pretty scar on your leg.

Adapt that to your journey now.  Everything you have experienced, tried, survived, or attempted has led you to this path right.  But, now, it's up to you to find the mental zone and focus in on what is important to you.  If you look in the mirror and are dissatisfied with the bat wings under your arms, then find an exercise you can do daily to tone up that area. You can't change the bat wings today, but you can take active steps to improve them.  It serves no purpose to look at the bat wings and remind yourself of fifteen poor food choices that got them there. The days of self-loathing and punishment are over.  Declare it today! No more negative self-speak.  If you still have your journal, grab it and write 10 things you like about yourself.  If you can't think of ten, email me, and I'll remind you.  Because, when we can't remember the good things about ourselves, remember, there are hundreds of other people out there who love us and accept us just the way we are right WHERE we are.    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my journal.  Keep in mind, I'm not just writing about this; I'm living it. :)