Calories and Food Choices

I know I told y'all not to make big changes all at once, but I feel it's important to share with you that I'm actually working two journeys right now simultaneously and for good reason.  I made the commitment to drop ten pounds yesterday, and at the same time, I have quit smoking.  (Feel free to cheer. Yay!)  I need to do these at the same time, though, because I am SCARED TO DEATH of gaining weight when I quit.  The last time I quit, I gained 30 pounds, and I will not tolerate that!  So, there.  Now that's off my chest and we can move on. 

OK- so baby steps.  Today was day one: Did anyone get overwhelmed?  If so, think about why.  Did you try to make too many changes in one day? Are you feeling deprived in your eating plan? (To all of you newbies...I do NOT say the "D" word... To many, Diet= punishment, but we are in control; therefore, we have an eating plan.) Did you put too much pressure on yourself?  If so, here's some GREAT news! A new day starts in about one hour.  So "forgetaboutit."  Start fresh with a new day.  If you are satisfied with how your day went, AWESOME JOB!  I'm proud of you! :-) 

Am I the only one who finds examining my eating plan similar to dissecting a crime scene?  When I find a new food I really enjoy and want to incorporate into my eating plan, I love to look it up...just that moment of anticipation, "Oh is this going to be good or bad?"  I enjoy gaining more knowledge and insight to how to properly fuel my body and get more "bang for my buck".  Imagine how excited I was to find a sandwich at Picklemans that didn't blow my diet!  (Grilled Mozarella Cheese on Wheat= 351 calories. Sometimes I add turkey which kicks it up to a little over 400.)   For someone like me who enjoys going out to eat, I can tell you now: Do your homework!  If you know you're going to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner tonight, Google "Ruby Tuesdays calorie count" or go to their website and look over the nutritional value in advance. Then you don't have to fly by the seat of your pants, you'll know what the smart choices are and be a little more relaxed.

Become familiar with your eating plan.  Today, my meals were similar to yesterday, but I increased my caloric intake and came in just a hair below 1400 calories. I burned approximately 441 calories while mowing tonight, and after looking at my percentages on The Daily Plate, I really need to start focusing more on the sodium levels in foods.  This is the second day in a row I've blown WAY over the top of the recommended daily allowance.(Oh, speaking of which... for those of you who don't like to cook or don't have time and like to supplement with frozen dinners, a word of caution... they may be low in calories, but keep your eyes on the sodium levels.  It's astounding.)

If you like your 3:00 chocolaty goodness, and if it will make you feel like less of a human if you can't have it, then I encourage you to look them up. For example: 4 Baby Ruth Mini's is only 200 calories. SCORE!! So only eat two! If you like ice cream, take a look at the fudge bars that are only 100 calories per bar.  Still feeling like you have to eat celery and raisins for the next 12 weeks?  :)  I'm telling ya, a little research, a lot of attention, and the willingness to act is a powerful thing. If you are the kind of person that can limit yourself, then build that 100-200 calorie treat into your meal plan. 

One more hint for you "fully leaded soda drinkers".  Don't forget to count the calories in your beverages.  If you drink 3 cans of Coke a day, you just lost 420 calories out of your goal.  Mountain Dew drinkers: one 20 ounce bottle is 290 calories. Beware the hidden calories in your diet!

OK, CSI Agents! Let's see what kind of shocking evidence we can unfold and look for alternative choices.  I hope you found your water bottle and tennis shoes today. For those of you who journal, this might be a good time to write a few reasons why you want to begin this journey again.  If you forget what you're fighting for, the battle has already been lost.  

Back in the Saddle, Again!

I have gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to keep going on my weight loss journey after reaching my goal weight.  Down 60 pounds, I feel pretty darn good in many ways right now!  I conquered an obstacle I'd been trying to beat for 15 years.  That is an amazing feeling. But, alas, I am eyeballing the extra cushion around my waist and hips pretty hard-core these days.  I threw down a challenge today and already have several folks who are willing to take off ten pounds with me.  You don't have to do what I'm doing; find something that works for you!  This works for me.  (Please keep in mind that I have been my own lab rat for nearly 15 years. I have tried everything under the stars... Weight Watchers, Atkins Diet, South Beach, no sweets, low/no fat, crash diets, fad diets, liquid diets, videos, magazines, (I didn't eat those...thought about it a few times, though.).  Dexatrim, Green Tea something, "kill your appetite/boost your metabolism"... do you get the picture yet?   I tried it ALL. And I failed.)

I didn't really get wholeheartedly on board with this until this afternoon.  I was just about to go fishing for my afternoon snack...even BORROWED a dollar from my co-worker until I could break my $5 and it hit me all at once. Maybe it was a nudge; I don't know.  But the next thing I know, I gave him back his dollar, emailed my workout buddy and told her I wanted to go down ten more pounds. She responded immediately and said she's in.  I published a quick blog update set my sights for the mission at hand.

Since half of my day had been shot to hell with less than impressive decisions, I decided to begin where I was, then, and take it from there.  I drank more water, I didn't go to the vending machine for an afternoon snack.   One of my co-workers gave me a piece of gum, and I chugged a few ounces of water to help ward off the sugar craving I was having. And, it worked! 

When I got home tonight, I raced to my bedroom and donned my uniform and dressed to the shoes. (My uniform consists of my workout clothes for any new followers.  Getting dressed to the shoes mean you're 100% ready to workout...including your shoes.)  My workout buddy had my kids at the park and gave me the green light to go run for a while.

I haven't lied to you before, so I'm not going to start now.  It was hard!  It was hot, I was tired, and I am not in nearly the kind of shape I used to be in.  I had all of those old, familiar voices in my head telling me, "You can't do this. It's been too long. You need to build up your endurance. It's too hot. Give up, Tami. No one else will know you didn't run."  One thing's for sure. You have to face and dismiss these voices, because there "ain't no outrunning them."  So I started firing back with my positive self-speak. "Not only CAN I do this, I AM doing this. I am running, and I feel good about it. I matter."  I ran for 30 minutes and got two miles in. 

I recommend a website called Livestrong.com, "The Daily Plate". It is free and has a place to track your water intake, calories in and exercise.  It is very, very helpful.  After I entered in my food choices for the day, I discovered my total caloric intake was actually less than it should have been. (I shoot for 1400-1500 calories a day when I'm in weight-loss mode and 1600-1800 when I'm maintaining.)  I only ate about 1200 calories today, and that's too low for me.I will have to keep a better eye on that tomorrow.

I feel I should give you the top ways you can fail at this based on my experience:
1. Make too many changes too quickly.--No life-overhauls today, please.  Baby steps!
2. Take on an entirely different eating habit. (As in trade in pork chops for tofu.)--If you don't know what to buy, how to fix it, what it tastes like, or if you'll eat it, then it shouldn't be on your menu. (Except for maybe hummus...that stuff is the bomb.)
3. Look at the overall picture, meaning, the total number of pounds you "need" to lose.--  No one can lose 70 pounds in a week. So don't even focus on that big scary number. Baby steps. One-to-two pounds a week..max.
4.  Lose weight rapidly. --If you want to continue to yo-yo, drop 5-7 pounds in a week. Sure, it will make you smile, and it will also return. Proven fact.
5. Say "I can't." -- No one 'has time' for this. It's either something important enough for you to prioritize, or it's not. 

Today: I drank almost 64 ounces of water, ate approximately 1200 calories (boo), burned 318 while running, and did not cave to an emotionally-charge crave-fest. :)   I learned to make a smarter choice in lunch meats, keep a closer eye on my calories in, and had a small victory against the meanies in my head. Now that I look at this, I had a FANTASTIC DAY! :)

One meal, one decision, one day at a time.  You can do this!!  Cheers!

Who's with me??

I'm going down another ten pounds. Who's with me?

Here's what we're going to do:
*Increase our water intake to 64 ounces per day.
*Work out 4 times a week
* Cut calories (Need to know what to shoot for? Go to http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm), monitor portion control, and eat to the sigh.
*Break the habit of emotional/comfort eating. (Chew gum or drink water when the afternoon munchies attack)

Remember, the first week is going to be the easiest and the toughest at the same time for different reasons. It will be easy because you're all jacked up and super stoked about attacking the monster again. But it will be VERY TOUGH to hold your feet to the fire! Change sucks sometimes! :)  Find a workout buddy or someone to lean on when you're in the midst of a craving.  Pick someone you can be real with and who will be gracious yet firm to the goals you set with each other. 

Ten pounds- we "got" this in the BAG!!  Where are your shoes?  Dust off your water bottle, and load up the MP3 player.  We have some sweating to do! 

Becoming Willing

Have you ever had a random person run through your mind and think, "I really need to call them", but didn't?  Or, have you ever thought "Grab your umbrella; it might rain" only to look up, see a sun-filled sky and leave it at home? How did that mid-afternoon rainstorm work out for ya?  Some people call that their gut, others intuition, I call it God. 

Last week after church, I made a quick stop at the grocery store to buy some things for our Sunday afternoon barbecue.  I was in a hurry, had fifteen different things on my mind, and I knew I needed to get in and get out.  I even let my kids sit in the car.  I had just grabbed the last thing on my mental list when a sweet southern drawl complimented me on my outfit.  I looked up, thanked her and made a joke about freezing to death at the sunrise service, which prompted me NOT to opt for the cute little Easter skirt I had planned to wear.  (I am still cold from that!)  We chatted for a minute as we both contemplated items on the shelves, and when the usual-but-cordial lull in the conversation came, I started to walk away.  But, I felt something stir in me. "Keep talking to her."  I thought to myself, "I don't have time for chit-chat; I've got a lunch to get to!" 

So, I asked her about her accent. She said she was from Georgia but has now lived here for two years. I explained that my family is from the south and how I'm a sucker for a Southern accent.  We exchanged some banter, and again, I tried to walk away, but I felt that nudge inside.  "Talk to her, Tami. Don't walk away."  Now, I really needed to get going, but I honored that feeling and asked her a few more questions, made a few jokes with her, and the third time I tried to walk away, I felt like I was being held in that spot. 

So, I asked her if she'd made any friends since she's lived here, and she said folks were friendly, but that she didn't have any friends, no.  So, I did something COMPLETELY out of the ordinary for me; I gave her my cell phone number and told her if she wanted to have a cup of coffee sometime to give me a call.  Her face lit up and she got a little teary-eyed. She gave me her number as well and said, "You know, you just might be an answer to prayer."

And that's when I knew that it was God holding me in that aisle.  That's when I knew why I was wearing the outfit I had picked out that morning (which was completely opposite of what I had in mind for Easter Sunday and would have been much more appropriate for a funeral in October.), and that's when I knew that I had also received an answer to prayer. 

I have been praying for God's will to be done in my life and for Him to use me. I have also been praying for Him to make me willing when the opportunity comes.  He needed to use me to answer her prayer, and for that, I am truly humbled and honored.  That I was able to set aside my own agenda long enough to receive the blessing that I had asked for, I am truly grateful.

I was so excited when I got home, I called her right away. I left her a voice mail and have not heard from her. And, I may not, but that's OK. Because, I think about her every day and hope that she finds comfort in knowing that there is someone in town she can now call her friend.  

Neon Sign

Sometimes when I am going through a hard time or spinning on the latest dramatic event in my life, I forget to appreciate the little things.  Or, even worse,  I think I did something, but since my mind is racing 90 miles an hour about everything unrelated, it never actually got done.  I have actually envisioned myself writing a check to the school for my daughter's lunch then got offended when her balance dropped into the negative, only to discover I never actually wrote the check.

Last Monday was my birthday, and a few days later, I actually remembered to check the mail. In the mail box, in her perfect script, was a card from my sister, Lisa.  In my haste to get dinner on the table and start my evening routine, I glanced over the card, smiled, and tossed it to the side while making a mental note to call her and thank her.  About 5 days later, I was cleaning and came across the card again. My inner voice said, "Read it again and keep this card."  I got nudged from all sides that there was something special about that card, but I was again going mach 10 with my hair on fire and dismissed that notion.  I moved that card several different times and finally decided I should just throw it away.  "Keep the card, Tami."  In my head, I thought I had put it on top of the microwave or on the refrigerator.  In reality, I threw it away.

Today, I received an email from her saying, "Did you like the card?"  I responded and said I did, (though I couldn't remember what it said) and that I tried to call her.  But, one quick flip through my phone determined I only thought I did.  Then she shared the meaning behind the card. 

My brother-in-law, Lisle, lost his sister, Laurie a while back, and he had actually bought that card to give to his sister for her birthday.  He never got to give it to her, because she died before her birthday rolled around.  Lisa said that he has been having a hard time letting go of anything pertaining to his sister, but this year, before my birthday, he came out of the room with the card in his hand and said, "I want to send this card to Tami. It's a beautiful card, and a sister we love needs to have it."

When I read that email, I was so touched and so disappointed in myself for not heeding those nudges to keep and treasure that card.  I knew in my heart there was something special about it, but I disregarded those feelings and focused instead on all of the chaos going on in my own head.  I was certain I had thrown the card away, and today was trash day. And I never even thoroughly read it.

As I drove down my street, I stared at the empty garbage can in my driveway, and my heart sank. I raced upstairs to find a freshly-emptied trash can in the kitchen.  I went downstairs and walked by another example of what I thought I had done this morning but had merely done it in my head... there was a bag of trash sitting by the laundry room.  It was the "catch all" bag I'd been using to empty little cans everywhere around the house and purge other stuff that had passed the point of use-fullness to me.  I took a chance, and at the bottom of the bag was Lisle's card to me. (And Laurie)

I cannot express the relief and gratitude I had when I held that card in my hand.  And, I was moved to tears when I read it. I was honored and humbled. 
 
I am so grateful for the following lessons.  Lesson #1- God nudges me and tries to get me to see and appreciate the little things.  Lesson #2- Being locked up in my own mind continues to rob me of good things happening all around me.  Lesson #3-  Thinking about doing things and actually doing them are two very different things.  Lesson #4- Sometimes the smallest of gestures have the greatest depth and should never be taken for granted.  Lesson #5- SLOW DOWN and be grateful; next time, I might actually lose something to be treasured.  

Finding the Courage

As my tag line says at the top of this blog, these updates are my shared experiences with my weight loss journey and self-improvement/discovery.  I am half a pound away from my goal weight, and I hate to break this to you, but I'm not anywhere NEAR done blogging.  So, you might start seeing some shifts away from weight loss in my updates, but I hope you will still enjoy what I have to say.  
 
I made up my mind a few years ago I was going to learn to play the guitar. I've always loved the way an acoustic sounds, and with my passion for music and singing, it was time for me to try it out.  The first time I picked up my guitar, it hurt my fingers so much, I put it down and didn't approach it for a year. "I can't do this."  Then, a year later, I picked it up again. And guess what...it still hurt.  But I loved the sound she created, and I kept at it. Since we were spending so much time together, I felt she needed a name- something worthy of her.   She has such a beautiful, smooth sound, and so I named her Pearl. That was two years ago.

My main goal at the time was to be able to play my guitar in church as I sang with the praise and worship team.  But my playing ability is sporadic at best, so I felt it would be years before I would ever feel comfortable playing in front of anyone.  As "luck" would have it, two years later, at an entirely different church (with a MUCH larger congregation, mind you...), my boyfriend signed us up to do special music. And we were going to play our guitars and sing.  The minute he told me that, my heart started racing and doubt crept into my mind.  "I can't do this; I'm not ready; what if I mess up? What if I look stupid? What if I mess HIM up?"  On and on and on.  I've been wigging out over this for a week. Practicing, singing, learning the words, learning the chords, and of course, he had to pick the fastest hymn ever written, so, often as I was practicing, I'd lose my darn PICK or my fingernail would get hung on a string. And it was right back in my face..."I'm not ready, I can't do this."  I considered bailing on the whole playing thing and just singing as he played.  But, enter in that stubborn Carter gene, and I dug in my heels.  I wouldn't let my fear get the best of me.  So I prayed and prayed for God to give me the courage to follow through. I told Jesus this morning I wanted to sing and play a beautiful song for Him and for my grandmother in Heaven.  Now, I just needed the courage. 

As I approached the microphone this morning with my guitar strapped across me and my pick in my hand, I felt like I was literally going to shake apart one limb at a time.  My hands were trembling so violently, I put two extra picks on the music stand in front of me in case I dropped one.  I looked at Joey, and before I knew it, we were off and running.  My hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't form the chords properly, but thankfully, his guitar was in front of the mic, so I was pseudo-masked...until his guitar pick broke and I was the only one playing for a few seconds.  There was no hiding the "plink plink plink", but instead of getting freaked out, I just smiled.  Because I was doing it! I was playing my guitar in church as we sang!  I was ticking something off my bucket list!  At the end of the song, I had completely lost my place with what chords I was supposed to be playing and just threw my hands up and laughed as the song ended. 

So many people came up to us today and raved about how well we did and how eager they are to hear us sing and play again.  And here's the miraculous part of it.  I can't wait to do it again!  Regardless that it took nearly ten minutes for my hands to quit shaking AFTER we played, I am still looking forward to doing it again.  It would be so easy for me to sit here and tell you all the places I messed up, but instead, I find myself beaming with pride that I actually did it.  And this is a major milestone for me.  Being able to look at something I've done with pride without ripping it apart and finding all the ways I wasn't perfect in my performance...that is huge growth for me. 

As I said earlier, I thought it would be years before I felt comfortable playing in front of anyone.  And, that may be TRUE!  I may not be comfortable doing it for a long time, but I intend to do it anyway.   I have found that when I push myself outside of my comfort zone, amazing things happen.  And today was just another example of that. 

The Boat

You've heard me talk about roads, oysters, the mat, my bridge, the x factor, and the foxhole, so it should come as no surprise that I have yet another use of imagery to describe my life and where I'm at right now.  Tonight, it's the boat. 

In the last three years, I have been through quite a bit that has left me feeling off-center and unsure of who I am and what I want/need out of life.  The sea of life has been very tumultuous and unforgiving in the ferocity of the waves as the crash down on me relentlessly.  I have experienced the occasional calming of the storm only to see in the distance another swell heading my way, and I have given myself no time to repair my vessel or even prepare before the next hurricane spins me around.

In the midst of my last hurricane, I found myself focusing so much on the storm that I failed to look at how it was effecting me and my boat.  I had left it unmanned, basically, and was being tossed around aimlessly while waiting for the storm to either subside or swallow me whole.  I became frightened of dark clouds, wondering what the next clap of thunder was going to bring.  A tiny ripple in the water left me quaking with uncertainty. 

Then, a little over two years ago, I saw my sunbeam.  And I headed that direction.  Even though I still felt the instability beneath my feet, I made my way to the helm.  The storms were still fierce, but I had that vision of light to guide me.  I learned how to weather the storm with trust and faith that I was going to be OK. I learned how to be courageous when I was scared, and I found the gear I needed to protect myself. 

And now, I need to examine my boat.  I need to see if the damages are superficial or if there are some major repairs in order.  So, I've got my toolbox and my owner's manual, and even though I don't know the first thing about boat repair, I know that I have the confidence in myself, the determination, and desire to stay afloat.  And, I can still see my sunbeam.

The Oyster

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine a few days ago regarding my blog, my journey, and this person's battle with her weight.  I remember feeling exactly as she does, now, and my heart went out to her. When I started this journey, I set a goal to lose 61 pounds, and my head started spinning with how impossible that number sounded.  Sixty-one pounds??  That's more than my 6 year-old weighs! A whole other human!  I remember thinking, then, that I'll never be able to do it.  I'll never lose that much weight, but I would give it my best and consider it a job well done if I lose 20 pounds and call it a day.  Yeah, it was like that.

I almost psyched myself out of the game when I looked at the path before me.  My opponents were huge- fear, change, hard work, "deprivation", time constraints, and the biggest of all, that number.  61, 61, 61...and actually, according to the medical profession, the number SHOULD have been 100 pounds.  I needed to lose 100 pounds to fit into the normal weight category for my height.  I cried.  Multiple times, actually.  I am grateful that I was able to recognize that just because that was were I was, then, didn't mean I had to be or feel like that for the rest of my life. I gained weight; so what, big deal.  The big question was, what was I going to do about it?

I needed to give myself a smaller goal- something that was attainable.  So, I broke it down into 10 pound increments.  When people got wind of my weight loss journey, they'd ask me, "How much are you trying to lose?" I'd say, "Ten pounds."  The stunned look on their faces was actually quite comical, because it was obvious by looking at me that I needed to lose more than that, but that's all I could manage at the time. That's all I could face.  I couldn't look down that long path and see the finish line.  But, I could see the 10 pound corner. So that's where I headed.  After I lost the first ten pounds, I set my goal to lose another 10, then another 10...then my goal was to bust out of the 200's and into the 190's.  Then into the 180's...and so on.

I apologize profusely if I've made my journey look or sound easy.  What people may not realize is that it has taken me 2 years to do it. What I FAILED to realize is that I have been on this journey for 2 years. I dropped about 30 pounds in six months, took a six month break from the gym, gained eleven pounds over the holidays that year, started up again in January 2010, lost another 26 pounds, took another six month hiatus, gained a few pounds, and now I'm staring down the last four pounds before I reach my initial goal weight.

I really didn't expect to have the outpouring of folks who contacted me to share their struggles with me and express how much my telling my story has helped them.  I am truly humbled and honored.  So when I started my journey again in 2010, I created this blog to try to answer everyone's questions about how I'm doing it.  What started out as a shedding of a few pounds, though, quickly turned into a mission of self-discovery/recovery.  What made me overeat? What was going on beneath the surface that was manifesting itself in weight gain and/or preventing me from losing weight?

I liken myself to an oyster.  When a grain of sand makes its way into my shell, it has been my habit to spit it as far as I can (as quickly as I can) to prevent irritation in the here and now.  That's just how I'm programmed. What I found myself doing more often than not is bailing on whatever is making me uncomfortable and going back to what I know because, even if it wasn't serving me well, it was less frightening than pushing through the discomfort in hopes of finding my rainbow. But, I realized that in the past, I have robbed myself of opportunities to learn or grow when I do that. 

So I began to look at what makes me feel uncomfortable as a grain of sand in my shell.  Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, standing at the starting line of what appears to be an impossible road-- instead of spewing these things from my shell, I allow myself to sit on them and work through the discomfort one day at a time.  This gives me time to find clarity, pray, and confront what triggers are propelling me into a reactive state (giving up) instead of proactive (pushing through). 

What would happen if you were able to stop beating yourself up for a series of decisions that brought you to where you are now and accepted that THIS is the starting line?  Because each day is just that, my friends.  Looking back over days gone by and saying, "shoulda, coulda, woulda, or how-did-I" won't move you toward your goal.  Yes, it's important to recognize where you went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes again, but ruminating on those past failures and holding that as an absolute will only hold you hostage.  You have the power every morning when you wake up to begin again.  To me, that's why God made sunrises so beautiful;  each morning begins with opportunity.

As for me and the grain of sand?  We're still cohabitants.  And, I have the trust and faith that when all is said and done, there will be a beautiful pearl to admire and remind me that good things can happen when I allow them to.

Random Thoughts

I am not, by nature, a patient person. I am the instant-gratification QUEEN; I want what I want when I want it.  So, when I started this journey, I had to prepare myself for a whole mindset, which meant recognizing that I didn't gain 100 pounds over night (though it SURE felt like it!!), and I wasn't going to lose 61 over night.  It meant setting goals and a schedule, which I hate to do, since I am spontaneous and fly by the seat of my current mood swing.  (I could be the poster child for Aries.) 

The last thing I needed, though I didn't know it at the time, was accountability with a workout partner. I needed that person to count on, to hold my feet to the fire, and go through this with me.  I needed someone with whom I could be totally honest and feel open to share how I was feeling all the while knowing she could relate to my struggles and victories. So at this point in the blog, I'd like to give a huge shout out to my girl, Casey, because she has sweated beside me and cut calories with me every step of the way.  I love you, honey, and I am forever grateful, because I don't know if I could have this type of success on my own. 
And, we're still at it!  We're going to the gym four nights a week for 60-90 minutes a night (depending on the night.)  We sit down with our planners and schedule out ten days at a time when we're going to the gym.  It's tough!  We both have families, obligations, dinner times, work schedules, functions, a whole gambit of time constraints to consider, and I'm really proud of us for making this a priority when it would be so easy to give up.  Tonight, I burned about 480 calories by running on the treadmill, doing 15 minutes of free-weight cardio, and 4.5 miles on the bike. I weigh in tomorrow and hope that I will drop out of the 180's and into the 170's for the first time in about 13 years.

If there's one thing I have learned in this journey, it's that slow and steady really does win the race.  I wanted to lose weight in a healthy way without fad diets, pills, surgery, hypnosis...insert latest craze here.  I wanted to prove to myself I could count on me, that I was important to myself.  I'm staring down the last 5 pounds before I reach my goal weight. I had gained 1.5 pounds during my workout hiatus, and it took me two weeks just to get those 1.5 pounds off.  In the days of "The Biggest Loser", that sounds minimal, I know. And, I admit that it's tougher to do, now.  I'm pretty happy with myself the way I am for the first time in I don't know HOW long. But I'm only FIVE POUNDS away from my goal weight!  I can't stop, now.  I can't bear to rob myself of the joy of crossing the finish line and FINALLY finishing something I started. 

For those of you reading this and struggling with staying motivated in weight loss, I know this struggle well.  I have spent most of my adult life being uncomfortable in my body and unable to get my mind to cooperate.  You can do this.  Find that reason to commit to yourself and promise to yourself that this time is THE time.  Whatever your reasons are for wanting do lose weight, embrace that. I can promise you two things:  it will be tough, and it will be worth it. 

The Foxhole

I was a squad leader in Basic Training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina in the summer of 1995.  It was a hot, miserable summer- too hot to be running around in the woods fully clothed carrying an M-16, but alas, that's where I was.  My squad had been assigned a portion of the perimeter, and each soldier had to ready their position with appropriate cover, which also had to meet the impossibly-high standards of the drill sergeants.  Private Ballard stepped up to the plate and volunteered to dig the foxhole for our squad.  (The exact dimensions it needed to be escape me, now, but it had to be several feet deep and wide.)  I made my rounds checking on everyone and ended with Ballard.  He was having a little trouble, but no worries, Carter, it would be done. Big smile. 
A little bit later, I went back to check on him.  The dirt had turned to a mix of sand a few feet down, and the more he dug, the more the walls started to crumble.  We had time to relocate the foxhole, but he felt he could make it work right were it was. 
Mid-afternoon, a huge lightning storm rolled in, which resulted in us having to tri-pod our weapons, leave the forest, balance ourselves on our toes while crouching down in the middle of the road.  When I called the squad up to the road, Ballard came stomping through yelling, "I'm through!  I'm through!  I ain't doing it no more!  I'm through."  His foxhole had caved, yet, again.  Only now, it was filling with more than sand and dirt- it was filling with rain water.  And what did I do, as the ever-supportive squad leader?  Yep...I laughed my ass off. 

See, I admired Ballard for his willingness to step up and take on the hardest job for the squad.  I appreciated his determination to see it through even when every strike of the shovel sent another load barreling down the wall.  Lastly, I enjoyed his humor-filled tantrum which resulted in both of us nearly collapsing with laughter at his frustration and making a miserable day tolerable for a few minutes. 

With all of the changes going on in my daily routine, it's not surprising to me that this memory keeps resurfacing.  Weight loss can be a lot like that foxhole.  One shovel in the right direction can cause an avalanche in three different ones. 

• Taking time for myself at the gym leaves less time for my household duties or takes time away from my family, and that makes me feel guilty.  No one has complained, mind you, and the kids like to go with me, but I still have that twinge of guilt.  And, the vacuum and laundry don't seem to mind, either.
• One week of good eating choices followed by a weekend of fast-food and/or movie popcorn... boom....avalanche.(Keep in mind that many fast-food meals can have an entire daily caloric intake in one meal.)  

It is a constant struggle to keep up with the hard work that weight loss requires.  But, the pay off is well worth the effort in the end.  As for the foxhole?  Ballard returned to the site, worked his butt off, and had a fully-functioning foxhole that passed the drill sergeants inspection. It wasn't easy or perfect; it took many tries, but he got the job done. 

Different Roads

Last night on the way home from a friend's house, I hit a few pot-holes in the road and noticed some vibration in my car afterward.  I started to freak out a little- let my mind get the best of me; "What's torn up, now? I just put new tires on the front of my car. How much is it going to cost?  Why can't I catch a break?"  And, the more I obsessed over it, the "worse" it seemed to get. I was just about to stop my car and inspect all of the tires when I changed roads.  All at once, the vibration stopped, and the car was fine.  See, there wasn't anything wrong with my car; the road I was on was merely a bumpy road.

I love it when I see parallels in life to life.   Occasionally, life may throw down a big bump in the road that wakes us up and might make us question the path we're traveling. We might focus on how hard it is, become intimidated that the changes are overwhelming and sometimes even pull off on the side of the road to see what the hell is wrong with us that makes this road seem so rough!  But, sometimes, it's just a tough strip of land we're traveling through.  That's weight loss.  That's how life changes work.  That's how we learn and grow.  And there is always hope for a smoother road ahead.

I know this is hard.  Believe me, I do.  But, think of your weight loss as you would a retirement plan.  You may not be able to fund the entire plan in one day, but you can make a small contribution to make yourself more comfortable in the future.  What small contribution can you make, today, to further yourself in your weight loss/life? 

I weighed myself on Tuesday and was pleasantly surprised that I was back down to 181.5 pounds.  (Last week was a cruel joke, Mother Nature!)  Thursday night, I had a great workout.  We walked 1.2 miles to warm up, stretched, did 20 minutes of free-weight cardio, and 5.25 miles on the bike (in 20 minutes).  I was at the gym all-total a little over an hour and burned a little less than 600 calories.  This week, I have done a great job at drinking more water daily, and I've made smarter food choices.  Today, I plan to hit the gym, drink 5 bottles of water, and do a little journaling.  And, Tuesday, if the scale doesn't reward me for a job well-done, I know I can continue to tweak my eating plan, work out a little more, and be proud that I am working harder to take good care of myself. 

Lord, may I never focus so hard on my destination that I fail to enjoy the rewards, excitement, and learning opportunities of each day on this journey.  Amen.

The X Factor

I think for the first time in my life, I am unsure of what to say.  I am experiencing some sort of writer's block, here, and quite frankly, it is very frustrating.  I have had a few blog ideas come to me the last few days, and when I sit down to write, they're gone. 

In my last blog update, I announced I was on day four (I think) of no sweets.  I've lost track of the days, now, but I have not caved and partaken in the delicious goodness that seems to be lurking in every corner.  And, oh, how I want it! I caught myself earlier in the evening trying to talk myself into having a cookie.  I even went so far as to bribe myself; "It's a reward! You've done a good job. Go ahead."  But, since I have come so far already, I just couldn't do it. And, I must admit, my faithful readers, you had a hand in that.  I didn't want to let ya down. :)

I'm going to go off the beaten path tonight and write about something not weight-loss related.  One of the questions I ask myself is, "If nothing in your life ever changed from this day, would you still be happy?"   On any given day, this can be a comfort or the kick in the pants I need to reevaluate my priorities.  Many things in life are purely circumstantial and won't last forever...fights, migraines, winter 'blues', painful break-ups, you know, the normal stuff that happens in life.  But how many times have you said, "If X would happen, then I'd be happy."

What is your X factor?  Is it within your control?  If the statement is, "If I could lose twenty pounds, then I'd be happy," then yes, that is in your control.  "If I could get a job doing ____, then I'd be happy."  That is, yet, another thing, that can have action taken to attain.  When I am looking at my X factors, I break them down into smaller bites to give myself a sense of accomplishment.  Right now, one of my X factors is, "If I could just get back to my old routine, I'd be happy."  That routine consisted of drinking 80 ounces of water a day, working out four days a week for an hour at a time, knowing an exact calorie count for intake and burn every day, and no sweets.  I'm tackling the sweets already; I've increased my water intake, I'm monitoring my calories, but I'm getting hung up with the work-outs.  There are many reasons (read excuses) for that.  But all-in-all, it is my failure to prioritize that which is important only to me. 

I stepped on the scale this week, and the number on the scale broke my heart.  I have gained 4.5 pounds in the last two weeks.  There may be extenuating circumstances to that beyond my control, (For all you women out there reading this, you'll probably know what I referring to.) but Tuesday's weigh-in will tell all.   There will be no excuse, nothing to blame it on.

So, it's time to get serious.  Casey and I were talking last night about scheduling workout times and actually putting it on the planner like we did last year until it becomes a given and part of our routine again.  Hopefully we can make that happen. :)

My House and My Key

"I am bigger than anything that can happen to me. All these things, sorrow, misfortune, and suffering, are outside my door. I am in the house and I have the key." ~Charles Fletcher Lummis

Today is day two of no sweet foods.  I've noticed I've had a headache off and on the last day or so, and while I'm not certain it's related to my "detox", I can imagine they're intertwined.  It was another tough day, but it was easier today than it was yesterday. The cravings weren't as intense and didn't last as long.  My family even had dessert this evening after dinner, and I did not partake. Granted, I was standing on the other end of the kitchen BEGGING them to stay away from me with those delectable little goodies, but hey, a little begging never hurt, and maybe I burned a few extra calories in my madness. 

The quote above was delivered to me via Facebook at just the right time.  I've felt, lately, that I'm standing at the threshold of a door to the unknown. But, I had it all wrong.  I'm not walking into a house; I'm standing firmly in my own!  To be standing on someone else's doorstep felt uncomfortable and uncertain.  But, once I stopped and actually looked around, everything is familiar. Everything is mine.  My joy, my peace, my determination, my willingness to change what I can about myself to improve my daily life.  None of this is outside; it's in my "house". It's in me!  And I, alone, hold the key. (While God steadies my hand.)

Cheating, not giving it my all, making excuses...that doesn't let down the scale.  That doesn't let down my favorite exercise bike at the gym. That lets me down.  And, before my journey began, I never felt like I mattered in the equation. "So what? It's just me."  But, if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? Moreover, who would you be willing to trust?


I feel a new sense of empowerment.  I'm already doing little things every day to get back on track as I stare down the next fifteen pounds to my new goal weight. On this journey, I have learned so much about myself and while it can, at times, be unsettling and scary, I've also learned a very valuable lesson.  I'm human.  I'm imperfect. (I know...that was a shock to me, too.)  When I embraced my imperfection, though, I quit beating myself up for stumbles and scratched knees.  But, the most important thing I have learned thus far is to keep going.  Even when it seems like I'm making no progress or I'm not reaching my goals as quickly as I want, I keep going.  

So, I challenge you.  Look around your "house".  Who has your keys?  Have you simply misplaced them?  Try to remember what motivated you in the first place to make improvements in your current lifestyle.  Write them down.  Now, think about what you want, but use the present tense.  For example, instead of saying, "I want to lose weight", or, "I'm going to lose weight",  write, "I am losing weight."  "I am feeling better."  "I am taking small steps today to improve my daily life."  Wanting to and going to aren't doing.  Give yourself that positive affirmation that yes, you are committed to this, but I also encourage you to remember that this process is action taken one day at a time.  Making the decision to lose weight or change old habits is not a one-time deal.  It is a daily commitment to yourself.  And boy, are you worth it!

Moving in the Right Direction

As I sat down to write this entry, I was certain at least two days must have gone by since my last blog update. Alas, it has been one.  In the last twenty-four hours, though, I have managed to resist temptation and have not had anything sweet to eat. And let me tell ya, there have been some BIG cravings...huge!  Especially around three o'clock this afternoon.  I felt the slow burn radiate in the pit of my stomach, vibrate through my body, and the word, CHOCOLATE, stamped itself straight across my line of vision.  I felt the natural predator in me begin to mentally stalk its prey, traveling down familiar paths to where the known darlings were lying in wait.  (I feel like I should be whispering in an Australian accent right now. LOL)  My instincts told me to pounce, but luckily, I recognized the craving as simply a craving and not a life-or-death situation. Though, it SURE felt like it!  :)  So, I was a good girl and popped in a piece of gum, chugged some water, and reminded myself of my detox plan.  Caving in now, no matter how small it is, will simply set me back. And, I can do this!

Last night, while my son was at wrestling practice, I went to the gym and did a quick 30-minute workout.  I was frustrated at the small amount of time I had and started down the "well, that was hardly even worth it!" road.  But, there's so much more going on right now than a calorie burn, and I had to remind myself of that.  I did it!  I went to the gym for the second time this week!  I'm getting back into the habit, breaking old chains, forming new routines, and taking baby steps to get to where I want to be.  Progress, not perfection, right?  So, instead of getting twitchy about what I didn't do, I gave myself a pat on the back for even showing up at the gym on a cold, rushed evening.  Here's what I did:

Warm up: 
1 mile on the stationary bike (3 minutes and some change)
Stretches (No idea...forgot to time it. LOL)
Workout:
Free-weight cardio- I use 5 pound dumbbells, crank up the tunes, and do various upper body moves- 10 reps apiece, then go straight into the next set.  I mix it up...basically just having fun and it really does get me sweating.   I try to target every muscle group at least twice when I'm doing this and go for 20 minutes.  Last night, I had to cut it in half.  So 10 minutes.
3 miles on the bike- 12 minutes.
Cool down:
3 laps around the track (not even 1/2 a mile)- 5 minutes? Maybe?
Stretch

Since this was an abbreviated workout, everything was cut in half from what I had done previously. However, it's probably a good thing, since I'm no longer conditioned for an hour-long super-human-goddess-of-gym-equipment workouts.  Knowing me, I probably would have hurt myself if I'd been left unattended much longer. LOL 

So, today, I drank my water, made healthier choices, updated my blog, and survived yet another twelve hours of doing something that, at times, runs against the grain for me.  I haven't reached my destination, but I'm proud of myself for moving in the right direction. 

Visiting a Foreign Land

I heard an interesting talk show this morning on the way to work. The host was explaining his trip to a foreign country and the effect it had on him.  He described his conversation with a young child, and something he said really struck me.  He said, "We had to have a translator, of course, because this kid can't speak English."  Can't speak English?  You're in his country! He's speaking the language he knows!  It's YOU that can't speak HIS language. 

And then it struck me.  I find myself getting irritated or self-righteous at times at alllll the tempting food, all of the opportunity for bad food choices, and I want to yell at them, "Why are you doing this to me? Can't you see this is already difficult?"  But you see, I'm in their land!  Just because I have the desire to change my eating habits and exercise more IN NO WAY prompts the rest of the world to adjust to my lifestyle.  In this world of fast food, pre-packaged goodies, high-calorie DELICIOUS beverages, it takes a  lot of discipline to keep on walking with a gracious "no, thank-you."

And let me just say, I don't always get it right. But, I keep trying.  For example: (I'm laughing even as I'm typing this...)  I work with all men in my department, and they've seen the transformation and how hard I've worked.  They don't say much (typical males), but I know they're proud of me.  I came to work Monday complaining about being sore from my workout Sunday.  Later that afternoon, I had a sugar craving and bought a bag of chocolaty goodness. I will not tell you what it was, because I am not going to be responsible for triggering any cravings out there. LOL.  Anyway, I was eating them at my desk, and one of the guys said, "Damn, girl, I thought you were trying to lose weight! Why are you eating those?!"  Which of course triggered my already-existing guilt.  So I whipped around and said, "Well thank you, Richard Simmons, for keeping an accurate calorie watch for me."  He stared blankly at me for a few seconds and said, "Well, you're the one that wants to lose more weight, and you've done such a good job thus far.  I don't want to see you go the other way after you've worked so hard." 

I was not offended by David's comments to me, because I knew where his heart was. (And let's face it. Men + Communicating Feelings= Train Wreck 99% of the time...LOL)  In fact, it brought me to another realization which I can sum up pretty quickly:  Talk the talk, as you walk the walk.  What a great reminder for me!  And, it also made me feel really good that someone outside of my circle is silently cheering me on. :) 

So here's what I've noticed about myself this week.  I have pinned down two emotional triggers that prompt me to eat.  Anger and loneliness. This isn't much of an awakening for me, since I pretty much knew that already, but I was ECSTATIC when I recognized I was on the verge of a binge and why.  That's progress. I was able to stop and recognize that I wasn't hungry; I was trying to fulfill my needs with food. 

I've also noticed that my sugar cravings are back. Around the same time every day, I get that "OMG...NEED SOMETHING SWEET NOW!!!"  mission.  In order for me to get rid of that, I will have to go about 4-7 days without anything sweet. Purge my body of it, basically, or "detox" as Casey and I call it.  So that's my next mission at hand.  I bought two packs of sugar-free gum a few nights ago, and I've got my water (which I chug when I'm craving something sweet.), so hopefully I can report back with good news.  One of my favorite quotes is:

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
 and not tackle my whole life problem
 at once. I can do something for twelve hours
 that would appall me if I felt that I had to
 keep it up for a lifetime.

 

When I apply this to my journey, I know that I can go 12 hours without a cookie.  To think of never having another cookie in my life?  BRING ON THE HYPERVENTILATION BAG!  So, I'm not going into deprivation mode, here... not going to say "this is the last____".  But, just for today?  Yeah, I can do that.

My Bridge

I've made some bad decisions in my life, more than I care to recall or recant.  But, a few years ago, I found myself standing at a canyon, looking at the beautiful wonderland on the other side wide-eyed and hopeful.  The only way to that side, though, was an unsteady rope bridge.  I prayed, "God, can't you make this easier?"  He asked me, "How bad do you want it, Tami?"  Trust me when I say, I looked all OVER that side of the canyon for safe passage down so as to avoid that test.  And, I found myself back at the bridge.  So I took a step.  My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and everything in me said, "Get off this bridge! Go back to where it's safe!"  And then, I looked up, and God was smiling at me. I looked down, and my feet were planted securely on a plank of gold.  When it came time for me to take another step, same thing...heart was pounding, mind was racing...and while I was scared to do it again, I knew God was with me the last time, and I knew He'd be there again. 

Today after church, I wanted to work out in the worst way.  I needed to get my heart rate up, needed to sweat, needed to get off the mat and today was the day.  All I could think of was, "Is it safe, now, to get back my membership?  What if....What if...what if...."  Then, I remembered my bridge.   And all at once, it came to me.  I don't HAVE to buy a monthly membership...I had enough cash in my wallet to pay for a one-day entrance!  It was like a light came on in my head. I had been doing such black-and-white thinking, I hadn't even considered that as an option.  Change-in-perspective MUCH? 

That was all it took.  I was dressed and out the door quick as a flash.  When I hopped on that bike, I felt like I'd sat down for coffee with an old friend.  I remembered why I had started my journey;  I remembered how much enjoyment I had when I worked out; I remembered the sense of pride I had in myself.  When I stood in front of the mirror by the free weights, I saw myself with new eyes.  And, I smiled. 

So, I left the gym with a renewed membership.  I took another step on my bridge, and guess what...today? It felt REALLY good.  Today, I was not fearful, and God and I had one helluva good workout. :)

Your past does not have to control your present or determine your future.

I said to a man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and
put your hand in the hand of God. That shall be to you
better than a light and safer than a known way.”

— Quoted by King George VI of England

 A little classroom participation, please!  Raise your hand if you have tried to lose weight or make changes in your lifestyle in the past.  Now, raise your hand if you did not reach your goal or came up short in some way.  Hands down.  Raise your hand if you are currently battling a demon that says "But I've tried this before, and I failed."  This could be one big reason why getting started is a big problem for a lot of people. It is for me, that's for sure.  I said it once in an earlier blog; the hardest part of a workout is lacing up your tennis shoes- making that decision to work out and get going.  And the hardest part about starting an eating plan (remember...no "D" word, here...I don't use the word "diet"...it sounds too punitive.) and exercise routine is that it requires change. And change requires discipline. 

Most people tend to start off strong and fizzle out after a few weeks because they begin with too many changes at once and it becomes overwhelming.  Let's face it.  It is NOT EASY working out four-five nights a week and hauling two small children to the gym, or trying to do a workout video while your family asks you fifteen questions about things that really could wait.  It's not easy, but it is important. It's important because it's something we do for ourselves.  This is why I encourage people to start off small. Make small changes at first instead of going straight to the big 'un. (the gym and a deprivation diet.) Set a goal to drink X amount of water in X amount of time.   If you miss the mark by a little at first, no biggie!! Progress, not perfection, remember?  Look at your calendar and see if you can find one or two nights a week to get moving.  Dance with the kiddos, walk on a treadmill, ride your bike (if you can stand the cold weather, UNLIKE ME.)  Start off slow.  Build up a little confidence in yourself.  And be sure to pat yourself on the back DAILY for a job well done when you reach those little goals. And, if you're the journaling type, record your atta boys and tell yourself you're doing a good job.

From what "they" say, it takes approximately 21 days to make a habit.  Three weeks... from my experience, that was very true.  It took about three weeks of DRAGGING myself to the gym and accountability to my work-out partner before it became a given that on this day, at this time, I was going to be at the gym, come hell or high water.  I began to look forward to my workouts.  I look forward to beginning them again!

Yes, you see, I am still on the mat!  I'm battling exactly what you are, right now.  I have the "want to", but I haven't flipped the switch that says, "I'm going to".  I'm starting off slowly.  I've been drinking my water, eyeballing what I'm eating, taking mental notes as to why I'm eating and what I'm eating....I'm preparing for my begin date.  I guess you could say I'm "prepping for surgery". :)  I'm taking an inventory of where I am right now and plotting my course for where I want to be.

But know that today, this is your now.  Make peace with any attempts you've made in the past and know you did the best you could with what you had at the time.  And, your past experiences have been learning opportunities. So look at how much smarter you are this time around!  You haven't failed; you've simply found other ways that didn't work before. :)   

The Flood Gates Have Opened!

Apparently I have really missed blogging, because I have countless posts running through my mind all at once! 

I want to share with you the meaning behind the name of my blog and tell you the story about the profile picture I chose.  The title of my blog, "Athlete in Training" was intended to be a changed perspective for myself.  I had never seen myself as an athlete, which I figured might have played into my problem.  So, I had a change in perspective and started thinking and acting like an athlete in training. Hence the name. 

The picture I chose was taken on a very special day for me.  When I separated from my ex-husband, I wanted to keep my house in the worst way.  I loved the house, loved the location, and of course, it was my children's home.  With all the changes going on regarding the divorce, the least I could do was keep them in it.  However, affording it on my own was a big concern.  I had to get it refinanced in my own name, and I wasn't sure if I could carry that large of a loan on my income.  I worried and prayed, but I was determined if at all possible to keep my house, no matter what.  Failure was not an option, but I was at the mercy of the mortgage company.


My profile picture was taken the day I signed the paperwork and became the sole owner of my house.  I felt safe, secure, and I knew we were going to be O.K.  When I signed the last document, I cried with relief and pride. It was a momentous occasion.  I had my best friend and my boyfriend standing there watching, all smiles, silently cheering me on.  Sometimes when I'm discouraged and feel unsure, I will flip through the album and remind myself of that day, and I'm so glad I have pictures of my accomplishment.

Another visual reminder I have is a painting I bought last year.  I could write FOUR blog posts just explaining what it means to me, because it symbolizes that much.  Kindness, understanding, encouragement, beauty, healing, hope...and above all, another personal achievement. I always wanted to own an original painting but never let myself spend the money on it.  I am worth it. So I did it. :)  This painting also reminds me of a time when I was really happy even in the midst of fear in life's major changes. (divorce, single-parenting, weight loss...the list goes on and on)  I've spent hours looking at that painting, and it serves as a center of gravity for me.  Again, another visual reminder of things that I can accomplish when I remind myself that I'm worthy of nice things.  Just because you're cool, I'll share a picture of my treasure, here.

Artist: Nick Houston

So here's your challenge.  Find a picture, find an object, find something that brings you joy. Display it.  Study it. Smell it, hell- kiss it if you have to. But find something that reminds you of a time when you were truly happy in your life.  Let it serve as a pillar of hope for brighter days and encourage you to stay the course when you need a little boost.  I hope you will find it gives you the same, "Sigh...I'm OK" that mine give me.

Finding "The Mental Zone"

I remember when I was 21- I had just gone up another size and was between a 16 and 18.  I was shopping at Maurice's looking for a black skirt for a waitressing job I was starting the next day.  I tried on a skirt and it fit, but it was way too short to be bending over tables in.  When I came out of the dressing room, the young lady working the store asked me, "Did it fit?"  I sighed and said, "No..." but before I could finish she wrinkled up her nose sympathetically and said, "Was it too small?"  I was stunned!  I said, "No, it was too short.  Are there any other black skirts in the store?"  She said, "Ma'am, I don't think you will find anything in here that you can wear.  You might try Lane Bryant."  I smiled and said thank you, and I raced out of the store before I burst into tears of humiliation. 

I have to say, at one point in my life, I viewed weight loss as conformity.  I got angry because If there was a revolution-of-the-big'uns to be had, you can bet your bottom dollar I would be Madame 2X.  I didn't want to lose weight because everyone else thought I needed to. (And, when I say "everyone", I mean health care providers, people who didn't know me and might think "wow, chick...put the snack cake down and walk away slowly."  Whether anyone thought that or not, I don't know...but that's the mindset I was in at the time.)  I didn't want to lose weight because that meant in some weird way I was dissatisfied with myself and at that point in my life, I was trying to CONVINCE myself how happy I was when I really wasn't happy at all.  It went much deeper than love handles and saddle bags.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't happy with my life and started looking at all of the "whys", I realized that my binge eating and lack of self-care was directly related to my emotional state and failure to deal with issues I was suppressing. The weight gain wasn't the problem, it was a physical manifestation of many other issues going on beneath the surface.  So, when I started dealing with those issues and coming to grips with things I COULD change, I started making slow progress and rebuilt a little self-esteem and pride.  Once I had a little confidence in myself, I felt I could tackle this weight thing with new eyes and a new attitude.  And, I could see myself with compassion and love instead of a fat, lazy, and out-of-shape.  Think of it like this:  Have you ever been the the ER?  Let's say you were working on a project and somehow, you cut a deep gash in your thigh.  (Now, for those of you who know me and my fear of being cut, you'll know that my heart is POUNDING right now and I might have to go lie down for a minute..LOL) Anyway, back to the ER... what they do is ask you ONCE..."what happened?"  You explain the mishap, they patch you up and give you instructions on how to care for the wound. They do not call you for years on end and remind you of a mistake you made, don't brow beat you and call you an idiot or numb-skull because an accident happened. And, if you're smart, you'll remember how it happened and take precautions to prevent another pretty scar on your leg.

Adapt that to your journey now.  Everything you have experienced, tried, survived, or attempted has led you to this path right.  But, now, it's up to you to find the mental zone and focus in on what is important to you.  If you look in the mirror and are dissatisfied with the bat wings under your arms, then find an exercise you can do daily to tone up that area. You can't change the bat wings today, but you can take active steps to improve them.  It serves no purpose to look at the bat wings and remind yourself of fifteen poor food choices that got them there. The days of self-loathing and punishment are over.  Declare it today! No more negative self-speak.  If you still have your journal, grab it and write 10 things you like about yourself.  If you can't think of ten, email me, and I'll remind you.  Because, when we can't remember the good things about ourselves, remember, there are hundreds of other people out there who love us and accept us just the way we are right WHERE we are.    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my journal.  Keep in mind, I'm not just writing about this; I'm living it. :)

A New Year

I recently wrote a note on Facebook about the things I learned this year.  I didn't get into my weight loss journey much, because frankly, people are probably getting sick of hearing about it. LOL.  But, for those of us who have struggled with weight problems, it is a big deal to lose weight and keep it off.

I have not been working out or monitoring my caloric intake much since mid-summer, and I am proud to announce that I am still maintaining my current weight at 180 pounds. (56 pounds lost thus far.)  However, I am still 5 pounds away from my goal weight of 175. I decided when I set that goal that I would hit it, see how I felt, and determine then if I wanted to go lower.  I've decided, now, that I am going to head on down to 165, but I doubt I will go much lower than that.  I have no interest in being "skinny" as I like my curves, but I am very proud of my accomplishment thus far.

This is my starting picture- 236 pounds

 

I bought this dress for a business trip to Chicago.  When my daughter took this picture of me, I was CERTAIN there had to have been some kind of problem when I rotated the picture, because I didn't LOOK like that in real life...did I?

Here's a picture of me, now.  This was taken this summer on my way to the family reunion.

Soooo, the big question is, where do we go from here?  Back to the gym and back to the basics, of course!  The holidays are over; no more excuses for not getting back on track, right?  Remember what I said in one of my side-bars--Your past does not have to control your present or determine your future.  If you stop and think about what you've tried and what didn't work, chalk it up to a learning experience and try something new.  This is a new year full of options and possibility.  Embrace the white canvas, envision the life you want to have, pick a color, and get busy!!  :)  Oh, and GET OFF THE MAT!